It's Not Me, It's the Universe
by SigmaTheta
Summary: In which the universe is conspiring to prevent Barney from having sex with Robin. Or something like that. Barney/Robin. Written in response to the prompts 'awkward' and 'tie'.


Ever since they'd decided to give this a try, everything was going wrong.

***

It started out innocently enough. It just took him waaaay too long to unhook her bra the first night.

Robin moves under him, brushing her toes along his calf as she shifts her weight to allow him better access. "I thought you were an expert at this," she mumbles against his shoulder.

Barney sighs in frustration, dipping his head to squint at the clasp in his hand and trying to ignore the way her hair is tickling his throat and his chest and everywhere. "Please. Of course I'm an expert." He's just a little drunk and a little overeager because he finally gets to sleep with Robin again. That's all.

He grunts and leans back a little, giving up and bringing his left hand in to help out.

***

Then it just kept getting worse.

He presses his mouth against her skin, right where her collarbone disappears beneath her shirt, as he moves them toward the bed. His knee pushes between her thighs just as her legs hit the mattress and she stumbles. Her hands are untucking his shirt, pulling at his tie, sliding each button through its hole, and she pauses to grip the fabric between her fingers and drag him down with her.

He braces himself on one arm as he shifts their position, sliding a hand under her legs to pull them onto the bed and turn her around and rise up on all fours over her, and that's when it happens. Barney leans forward suddenly, and his head cracks, hard, against the headboard.

"Ow! Damn it!" He rolls over onto his back and presses the heel of his palm against his forehead, the pain forcing all other thoughts out of his mind. "Son of a bitch!"

Robin starts laughing at him, and it only makes him feel a little better when she slides off the edge of the bed and lands on her ass with a thump.

***

They're on the couch this time. The couch is good. The couch is perfect. There is no headboard on the couch, and it's only about a foot off the ground. No one could possibly get hurt on the couch.

Robin shifts her hips to make him stop thinking and start moving, and Barney tries not to let on how grateful he is for the couch as he slides his hands down the back of her jeans.

The door swings open. "Hey, Robin. You got something in the mai– Oh, come on guys! At least put the menu on the door! We have a system for a reason."

Robin tilts her head back in irritation, and Barney lets his fall to her shoulder. Ted just shields his eyes with an envelope and continues to lecture.

***

"What the hell happened to you?"

Barney pulls the bloody rag away from his swollen nose and gives Lily a dark glare.

She doesn't ask again.

***

They're at some chick's party. Someone Ted knows. Karrie Jones, Katie Smith, Kathie Lee. Something like that.

It doesn't really matter, because Robin pulled him into the coat closet a few minutes ago and pressed him up against the back wall and he can't really think straight anymore.

She runs her tongue along his jaw and grazes her teeth across his throat, and her hand slips down past his belt to press against him through the thin layer of fabric.

Barney closes his eyes and tilts his head back, gently, letting out a low moan. One hand pulls away from the wall to grope blindly for her, grabbing her hip and pulling her as close to him as he can manage, and it feels soooo good.

And suddenly he realizes his body is reacting far more strongly than it should be, and this is going to end like teenagers dry-humping on prom night.

He relinquishes his grip and tries to push her back a little. "W-wait a minute," he hisses in her ear. He just needs a second to gather himself. She glances up but doesn't stop. Barney squeezes his eyes shut and bites his lip to keep in the embarrassing yelp that's threatening to escape.

Robin's hand stills when she feels the warm stickiness spread beneath her fingers. She takes a step back, looks down, and looks back up at him in surprise.

Barney grits his teeth, making a fist with one hand and slamming it against the wall behind him. "Fuuuuck," he groans, "You've got to be kidding me."

Robin tries to make a joke about just being that sexy. He doesn't laugh.

"I'm just…gonna go home," he mumbles, pulling his coat off the hanger, putting it on, and buttoning it all the way up before leaving the closet.

***

"Hello?"

"James, the universe doesn't want me to have sex with Robin!"

"…Hold on while I take you off speaker phone." There's rustling on the other line and the sound of a small child loudly asking what sex is. "Okay, now go."

Barney explains his series of misfortunes rather frantically. "Is this some new form of the Yips?" he asks at the end.

James chuckles. "I think you just need to chill out, man. I know you've been freaking out about Robin for over a year now, but if you're nervous about it, it's just going to mess you up."

"I'm not nervous. Barney Stinson does not get nervous about sex. In fact, no Stinson gets nervous about sex. You should know this."

"Well, have you tried talking about what's going wrong?"

"Of course not. We don't talk about our 'worries and feelings'. That's not what we do."

"From the sound of it, you don't do much else, either."

"…Point taken. I'll give it a shot."

"Well, good luck with that."

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks, bro."

"Anytime."

***

Robin is straddling him, pinning him to the bed with her hips and her hands on his chest, and it's really hard to concentrate on this talking thing. He tries anyway. "Robin," he starts, mouth dry and voice raspy.

Robin cuts him off, bringing her lips down over his. Her fingers skim across his shirt and start tugging at his tie. Barney leans up into the kiss, letting her slide the tie off around his neck.

When she pulls back and his mind starts working, he tries again. "Robin, I think we should…what are you doing?"

What she's doing is pulling his hands away from her waist and forcing them over his head, fixing his wrists to the bed with his own tie. When she finishes, she pulls back, sitting on her knees and looking down to inspect him.

Barney tugs lightly at the knot the see how tight she made it and lifts his chin to look at her.

"I think," Robin says, scooting back and resting her hands against his belt, eliciting a small noise from him, "that we both just need to relax a little bit." She leans down and kisses the hollow of his throat and drags her tongue up to his chin. From there, she looks him in the eye and smirks. "Maybe you won't hurt yourself if you can't move."

Barney stares for a moment, and then he slowly grins. "Awesome."

They can put off that talking thing for a little longer.


End file.
